Reflections in Mirrors and Fire

photo credit: essygie

Our hearts may be broken, our trust thrown away, our hopes dashed and yet, we are always reflecting.  ~LaShae Dorsey~

Yesterday I talked about how I’d mostly let the idea of verbal perfectionism go and yet this need want egotistical call to be perfect in my writing is still so very strong. And how that even though I write it, I don’t tell anyone I write it.

There was a spark.

I knew Mark Silver started his ‘get comfortable on video challenge’*, as he’d sent out an email about it via his newsletter and of course I’d seen a few the tweets about it as well. Yet I hesitated to watch them.

I told myself I wanted to watch them back to back.

Another spark.

I next noticed LaVonne Ellis’ #customerlove challenge*. And then Alexia Petrakos* and Rachel E.C. Acklin (aka CaffienatedElf)* took up the video gauntlet.

And more sparks.

I wanted and didn’t want. Needed and didn’t want to heed the need.

I realized I too have a challenge. My challenge isn’t about making customers love me. It isn’t about getting comfortable in front of the camara.

It is about showing up as myself and about telling on myself showing up.

Then the part of me that must always have a very good and specific reason to take any uncomfortable and seemingly unnecessary action, piped up. She informed me, “in order for this to count for anything,  I have to show up in some really specific way and since I have no clue about what that really specific way is, this idea must be abandoned. Definitely do. Not. Bother. Showing. Up.”

“Do not just show up and ramble”, she said. “People won’t like you or respect you or want to listen to you.”

At that, I felt part of me growing defensive. I felt the urge welling up to vehemently explain, the opposite position. Convince, connive, compel, perhaps force this part of me if necessary, to change the obviously misguided and ill-informed thinking this part of me is currently engaged in perpetuating.

Instead I stopped and compassionately acknowledged that part of me. Yes, you are right, there is no specific reason obvious in this immediacy, to show up at all.

And then came fire.

Mirrors don’t choose what they show. They reflect everything and anything placed in front of them. And the reflection seen by the viewer depends on the light or lack there of, along with the viewers position and the viewers willingness to look and really see.

And also, it’s already on my dammit list, dammit.

I give myself, all of myself, permission to do, be, have this as truth “My writing is rambling and as full of me in the moment as it wants to be. Dammit.”

And I do believe somewhere in my ramblings is something important  or I wouldn’t keep feeling this urge to share them.

Of course then some other part of me decided I only wanted to ramble to get attention. This part of me was doing it’s very best to show me that yes, one of my needs is “attention” and until I fulfill that need, get the attention I want, the need remains unfulfilled.

The need become ever more needy instead of becoming the perfect need (That’s another concept digesting from Mark Silver).

The need where the giving and taking are balanced and never ending. And Mark explains this concept perfectly in Day 4 of his Video Challenge.*

Small fires still burn.

Which is when the soundtrack from “Raw and Delirious” starts playing my head. It’s the Gus and Let’s make a mutha ‘effin fire scene and I have to laugh, reminding myself that fire doesn’t need to be big to burn.

Which begs the question, is that the kind of fire I’ve been trying to build? Is that the type of attention I’ve always thought I needed to create? If I want to be all I can be do I have to build such an outrageous fire?

Small fires still burn.

My intellectual parts know this is true. My practicality parts want to convince me this can’t be true. Those parts want a big fire.

I think I’ll practice building small fires.

Small fires still burn.

And in addition to the showing up part and the practicing of building small fires, I’m showing up and sharing.

No strings. No crazy fires.

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What are some ways you show up for your needs, so you better reflect, then show up for, the needs of others?

Share in the comments.

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* Mark Silvers Heart of Business, “get comfortable on video” challenge. Alexia Petrakos and Rachel E.C. Acklin who took up the get comfortable on video gauntlet. And LaVonne Ellis’ #customerlove challenge.