What I wanted was that easy, carefree, unaware state of before. Before I became aware of connections, before I became careful in my actions (more fearful is really correct but who wants to admit they are fearful of taking action.

Careful about the way, the how, they why of any movements, trying to anticipate the expected outcome, the fear of the actual outcome and of missing expected outcome.

I didn't want any of it and the rejection of it, I believe is showing up as this physical manifestation of pain I am feeling. It started as a rejection of my feelings and my thoughts.

It amazes me. I remember many months ago, writing a story about this pain, the one I'm having now, still plaguing my transitions. I don't remember the gist of the story. I don't even remember if I wrote it down or if it was just one of the ones I held in my head.

I haven't looked through any of my writing journals. I don't want to. I don't want to confirm or deny the remembering.

I'm okay with that.

It's funny as I write this, I can feel my body actually responding to this letting go in text form. I feel the places I'm holding that tension.

It's not a good feeling and yet it is a good feeling, the awareness of it anyway. I wonder what joy and freedom feel like in my body. I wonder what else I'm holding onto, that I need to let go of. I intend to find out.

It would appear there aren't any notes to finish up with, so I'm going to go sit with my feelings – pain, tension, awareness and everything else.